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[25 Mar 2007|08:01pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
I really don't smile that much.
And yet, every time I'm with him, it seems that I can't do anything but.
People think I'm stupid that I'm in so deep, yet we're not even dating.
But they don't see what I see, feel what I feel...
And they certainly don't know what it's like when we're alone.
This weekend, we did percocet.
I'd never done it before.
But it made me feel so great.
And we... had the best night.
For hours, we just... layed in bed, held each other.
We talked, A LOT...
We talk about other girls, which brings up jealousy,
And I tell him that I apologize, that I'm a jealous person,
And he says...
"You have no reason to be jealous.
Just remember that, when I go to bed,
It's you that's sleeping next to me."
Sometimes I can't even imagine my life without him.
He makes me so happy.
He does so much for me.
I love him.
I can't wait until next year, until we move out together.
I know it seems quick, only because we AREN'T dating...
But we've been this way for two years.
Dating or not, we have a relationship.
And it's not going to end.
:)
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| I FAILED THA INTERNET |
[06 Feb 2007|08:56pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
Spot: night guys.
Spot: Love <3
Spot: just left
Taku: nightt<3
Taku: late
Taku: FINE
schado: LOSE
Taku: *CUTS HERSELF*
Taku: *DIES*
schado: you have just failed the internet
Weightofyourskin: o no
Taku: :{
schado: taku: BANNED FROM THE INTERNET
Taku: lolz F--
schado: Internet: F-
Taku: onoez
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| What does it take to get a drink in this place? |
[05 Feb 2007|09:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
I'm dying. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm confused, and I'm in love.
How does this happen?
How do I lose myself so quickly?
Why aren't I ever happy with what I have?
I always find that, I will, in the future, regret the decisions I make. I never base them off of happiness; I base them off of the fact that my heart believes it true. I don't want him. I love him. He's no good for me. I love him. He treats me like shit. He'll never support me or our family. I love him. He'll never take me out. He'll spend his time drinking. He'll cheat. He'll lie. He'll manipulate. I love him. And it outweighs any other factor that could ever possibly come into play. It's not that he doesn't care, and it's not that I don't appreciate what he does do, but he's not the guy I ever imagined myself falling in love with. Spending the rest of my life with.
And I hurt the ones that treat me well.
I make promises that don't mean a thing in the end.
He was so sweet. I get so jealous. But I could never have him, because all I'd do is bring him pain. I already feel so much pain for what I've done, and I didn't even do anything. Just looking him in the eyes and telling him it will never work... It will never work. Never. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, it will always be this. I will always want him. I will always turn to him. And I don't even want to anymore. I want to quit. I want to get through this. But I'm not strong enough. I never have been.
This place is a prison
And these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through $20 bills
And the tumblers are drained and then flooded
Again and again
There are guards at the on ramps armed to the teeth
And you may case the grounds from the cascades to pugent sound,
But you are not permitted to leave
I know there's a big world out there
Like the one I saw on the screen
In my living room late last night,
It was almost too bright to see
And I know that it's not a party
If it happens every night
Pretending there's glamour and candelabra
When you're drinking by candlelight
What does it take to get a drink in this place?
What does it take, how long must I wait?
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| I've always loved the flavor of hate. |
[23 Oct 2006|07:54pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
And so I realize, that as I fall more in love with him by the moment, that I'm losing the sense of what love really is. It's starting to become not an emotion that controls me, but rather... just a party of daily life. It doesn't make me upset, it doesn't make me happy, it just...is. There's really no way to explain it.
And yet, to see him hurt, it's like I'm choking... like I'm not in a living state. But there's these dreams I'm meant to live, these dreams that my mother and father have set up for me, and even though it's killing me to betray them, I reach for no other dream but to help him through this, and to help him help me.
I've long ago accepted the fact that we're not going to get back together, but that doesn't mean we're not meant for eachother. It just means we're meant for no other, and yet, we don't belong together. We've done this for so long, it's not unusual to me anymore. I hate playing the games, but I know that it will never, ever, forever be. That's just how it's been for such a while....
Still, I question what 'love' really is, because it seems to most, it's such a disposable word. People are in love one day, then break up the next, and fall back in love with another in a matter of days... is this what love has come to? I mean, a few years ago, I 'loved' fishsticks, and now, I question whether or not fish should ever take the form of a stick at all. Is this how it really works? Have we been wrong all along?
...Or am I in love with him?
You've all got your heads up your assholes because love is. It just is and nothing you can say can make it go away because it is the point of why we are here, it is the highest point and once you are up there, looking down on everyone else, you're there forever. Because if you move, right, you fall. You fall. - Paulie, Lost and Delirious
( Quotes )
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| Boring as all. |
[20 Oct 2006|10:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
Tonight was pretty much uneventful in a sense. I mean, I spent time with my family, which was cool and all since that rarely happens, but it was still boring as hell. We went to the Eagles hockey game, the first one of the season, and they lost to the Rush... which ended up being a really good team, suprisingly. I think I'd easily support them over the Eagles, except that they're from Broomfield or some shit and that doesn't really make sense.
People have been getting on my nerves a lot lately, it's pretty intense for sure. I don't know, it's getting harder for me to control my anger than it used to be. Like earlier today, Joe [our campus monitor] tells me I can't have my backpack anymore because it has a Hatchetman on it. Uh, what? That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard, for sure. So I run my mouth, as usual, and luckily I didn't get into shit for it. But I just can't seem to chill out.
Tomorrow I'm dying the underneath of my hair blue [it's pink currently, but I have to change it because dumb bitches keep dying their hair like mine] so wish me luck with that.
After that I'm heading to Greeley, hanging out with Britney, Alex, Cody, Ashley, KC, and blahblahblah everyone I love. It'll be super for realz.
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